The Big Thumb People
by The Springtime of Nations
Summary: What do knight pirates, missing cows and flaming Buldas have in common? They make terrific stories for the snow-children, that's what. And if listening to stories is grand, then telling stories is sublime. Sublime, like the story of the Big Thumb People, submitted by a mystery author...
1. Where's My Cow?

**Chapter 1**

With a flourish and a faint crackle, the rolling wave of snow came to a stop, and disappeared. Elsa landed on her feet, with an inaudible _crunch_. Sven and the sled hit the ground less gracefully, the _thump_ muffled by an unprincess-like grunt as Anna jerked awake, knocking off Olaf's nose.

"We're here! C'mon Olaf and Kristoff, race ya to the top!" Anna vaulted out of the sled, and half-stumbled, half-ran after her sister, Olaf hot on her heels. Kristoff groaned inside, because the Ice Palace was so close, and he would _love_ to race inside, but someone had to tend to Sven, and check the sled, and pick up Olaf's nose, and bring their precious cargo inside, and generally be responsible. Still, he had a smile on his face, because even from down here the view of the ice was _magnificent_.

An even bigger smile was on the face of the Snow Queen as she ran up the stairs to her waiting snow children. Anna and Olaf caught up just in time to launch themselves into the Big Hug of Family. Once finished with his duties, Kristoff approached with some trepidation, carrot in hand, but Marshmallow pulled him in without comment. Kristoff had to admit, being hugged by snow wasn't too bad… in fact, it was warm and welcoming, like being hugged by arms of stone. Still, he remembered to reattach Olaf's nose. Like he said, someone had to be responsible.

When the hug abated, the snowgies rushed back inside, Olaf following as he told them all about life down below and the various adventures that had occurred, it was so _amazing_ , you wouldn't believe it! Marshmallow instead remained with his Mama and Auntie and Reindeer Man, not very subtly standing guard. From what or whom, he did not care – what mattered was that Mama was safe, that he would be there for her, and she _**never**_ had to cry again.

Of course, he would also protect Auntie (her name was Anna, not Very Bad Girl Who Makes Mama Cry, as he first assumed) and Reindeer Man (Big Brother called him Sven), because they were Good People and Family, not Bad People. Bad People were like Weasel Face and Sideburns Man, out to hurt, not love. He liked Love. Love made you feel Warm and Happy inside, like how Auntie was rubbing his belly right now, or how Mama was fussing over his tiara so that he was "as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside!"

Marshmallow beamed. He always felt Love when he was with Family.

His train of thought was interrupted when Anna kicked open the palace doors, screamed "AHA!" and jumped aside, just in time. There was a _click_ , a gentle _rumble_ , and a soft _splat_ as a mountain of snow landed where she would have been. Anyone caught in it would have been buried up to their necks, looking utterly ridiculous.

The snowgies burst out of hiding to see who they had caught in their prank, only to see Anna doing an impromptu victory dance, with Elsa smiling and cleaning up the snow behind her.

"HA! No one can out-prank the Prank Master! In! Your! Fa-"

A snowball smacked into Anna's face, and her victory dance turned into a Falling-Over-While-Screaming-And-Flailing Dance. Elsa burst into giggles and helped her up, Kristoff's face was bright red with the effort of not laughing and the snowgies jumped up and down around Olaf in exuberance: Plan B had worked! Olaf had saved the day.

Once Anna had recovered some semblance of dignity, and admitted "All right, you got me _good_.", Elsa announced the purpose of their visit: Storytime! With a wave of her hand and a light _crackle_ , she materialised an ice chair. Anna meanwhile pulled out the books with a flourish (and a quick kiss for Kristoff, who had remembered to carry them up, he was so _responsible_ , that hunk), and handed them off. Elsa seated herself in the chair, as the storyteller. Besides her, Anna plopped her butt on the floor and Kristoff sat down, as her assistants for today. Everyone else sat in a circle.

When everyone had settled down, Elsa displayed the storybook. Green and purple, with a prominent picture of a cow, it was titled "Where's My Cow?" in large, white letters. She passed it around so everyone could have a good look, and so Olaf could explain what a cow was (I saw one down below, they're big and black and white, except when they're big and brown, and Anna says they can produce milk, although she never said how…)

Elsa stifled a giggle while Anna panicked for a moment, but Olaf was too busy talking about the big steaming brown things he saw around the cows to ask about lactation and the female anatomy. When the book returned to Elsa, she opened it up, and The Story began.

It went:

"Where's my cow?

Is that my cow?"

Elsa flicked her hands, and ice formed a perfect replica of the cow silhouette shown by the book.

"It goes,-"

Elsa gently nudged Anna. Anna went:

"-Baa!"

It sounded exactly like a small child enthusiastically imitating a sheep. In her earlier days, this had been her – _their_ – favourite storybook. Elsa gestured, and the silhouette resolved into a sheep, with a rabbit in front of it.

"It is a sheep!

That's not my cow!"

There were gasps of surprise from the snow-children, an especially exaggerated gasp from Anna, and silence from Kristoff, who instead got elbowed in the gut by Anna. Elsa didn't let that distract her, and focused on the story.

"Where's my cow?

Is that my cow?"

The ice reformed into another cow silhouette.

"It goes,-"

There were a few moments of increasingly awkward silence before Kristoff worked out his role.

"-Neigh!"

It sounded like a horse, if the horse had been raised by a loving reindeer family which never had the heart to tell their little Rudolph why he was so unlike all his friends. With a wave of Elsa's hand, the silhouette resolved into a horse with a hat stand in front of it.

"It is a horse!

That's not my cow!"

Again there were the gasps, though Kristoff made sure to gasp the loudest – Anna could put _a lot_ of force behind even a quick elbow jab.

"Where's my cow?

Is that my cow?"

Everyone saw a cow silhouette yet again.

"It goes,-"

Anna _leapt_ at the chance.

" **-HRUUUGH!** "

There was a moment of silence as everyone stared at Anna. Anna went bright red.

Elsa discreetly coughed, and the moment was over.

"It is a hippopotamus!

That's not my cow!"

The silhouette was revealed as a hippopotamus, eating at a trough, against which was an upturned pitchfork. Again came the gasps, fake and real.

And so on it went.

"Where's my cow?

Is that my cow?

It goes, "Oink, oink!"

It is a pig!

That's not my cow!

Where's my cow?

Is that my cow?

It goes, "Cluck!"

It is a chicken!

That's not my cow!"

The story continued, through all the usual suspects. There was a goat, behind a fencepost; a duck, perched on another horse (Anna considered this cheating, but kept quiet); a dog, on its dog house, and so on. Much to Kristoff's disappointment, there was no reindeer. Eventually though, there was the Cow.

"Where's my cow?

Is that my cow?

It goes, "Moooo!"

Yes! That's my cow!

Hooray, hooray, it's a wonderful day, for I have found my cow!"

The final image resolved into a cow, being led home by its unnamed owner. To cheers and applause, Elsa closed the book, smiled at her assistants, and pulled up the next storybook. This one was much simpler, with no pictures, just a green jacket with the words, "Why the Sea is Salt". Elsa turned to the first page.

"Once upon a time, there were two brothers: one rich and one poor."

Ice formed into two men, one fat and in fine clothes, the other thin and in rags.

"One Christmas Eve, the poor brother had not a crumb in his house, not a single thing to eat, so he went to his brother to beg for a Christmas gift…"


	2. The Knight Pirate Rises

**Chapter 2**

 _A while later_

"…And that is why the sea is salt."

Elsa closed the book, with a gentle _snap_. All the snow-children were staring at her, mouth agape at this stunning revelation.

"And now, I think Anna here can read out the next story."

Anna's mouth opened, but she very quickly shut it as her heart swelled with warmth, and a little pride. Elsa _trusted_ her with this incredible responsibility, with being a role model to her snow children, because of how _mature_ Anna was. Anna got up in a dignified manner, marched over to the chair in a mature and not at all excited way, sat down in a manner befitting this serious assignment, and, with much pomp and ceremony, pulled up the last storybook.

It was "The History of Sandford and Merton".

Anna threw it away.

Okay, not threw it away threw it away, but she tossed it aside ( _gently_ , because Elsa is _watching_ , and _disapproves_ of damaging books, even " _ughh boring_ " ones), because seriously, that book was – _is_ – _boring_.

Everyone was staring at her, though for some reason Elsa was smiling. It was nice to know that her sis had her back, at least.

"Okay, everyone! Auntie Anna has her own story!"

The staring continued. Anna was sure her own smile wasn't fooling anyone.

"This story is a very special story! It's about…Knights! And…Pirates! Knight Pirates! On the open seas! Fighting evil! For this, is the story of Kristoff!...er. Kristoffer, I mean Christopher the Knight!"

Kristoff facepalmed.

"You see Christoph is a knight, the knight of Arrenvell Kingdom. Once upon a time, Arrenvell was ruled by the just and wise king, and protected by Christopher. But one day, Christopher had to ride out because…his brother had moved to a new palace up in the mountains, and needed help with moving all the furniture. There was no misunderstanding that meant the brother had to run away or anything."

Elsa's face was rigid, but in her "not trying to burst out laughing kind of way". Anna took that as a thumbs up: any day where Elsa laughed and smiled was a good day.

"But while he was away, the wicked Hans… Hansel seized power, that jerk, and locked the good king in the dungeons. By the time Christopher returned, Hansel had crowned himself king, and was being even more of a jerk then before, taxing and oppressing everyone, seizing Christopher's house, forcing everyone to sing his praises, that kind of jerk stuff. Also, he had recruited a lot of soldiers and ordered them to arrest Christopher, the only mortal who could rescue the rightful king and defeat the tyrant. And by tyrant I mean jerk, and by jerk I mean Hans…el."

"And so Christopher was forced to flee, despite his dashing countenance and enchanted sword and legendary skills, because even he couldn't block fifty spears at once; some people have no sense of chivalry. But Christopher vowed to raise his own army and return one day to liberate the king, the people and his house. So he boarded a ship to far off lands, seeking fame, fortune, reasonably-priced mercenaries and a hardboiled egg, which he wanted because he was hungry."

Anna's stomach grumbled, but she ignored it in favour of checking her audience. So far so good: Kristoff looked interested in hearing of his fabulous exploits, Elsa was nodding her on, Olaf was holding his head forward so that the sound would reach his ear…spots faster, Marshmallow was so engrossed in this tale of loss that he taken his tiara off and was hugging it like a teddy bear, and the snowgies had gotten so caught up that some of them were imitating the characters, posing heroically or villainously.

Actually, that gave her an idea…

"But before the story can continue, I need some volunteers-"

Two snowgies had already dashed ahead of the pack to Anna's chair. All the other snowgies returned to their spots, defeated. The two lucky snowgies, however, were giving Anna the brightest smile she'd yet seen.

"My two assistants, –"

Anna turned expectantly to the two, who turned expectantly to their mother.

"Flurry and William."

"My two assistants, Flurry and Willia-"

Anna whirled back to Elsa.

"William?"

"William."

Anna turned back to the waiting crowd.

"As I was saying, my two assistants Flurry and William will act out the story while I narrate."

"Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, so Christopher was sailing away from home, crying many manly tears despite his promise to return-"

The actors demonstrated by having Flurry stare scornfully at William, who was trudging away despondently.

"-when pirates attacked! Their ship was being boarded by the Dread Captain Anna!...ia. Dread Captain Amelia, the fiercest, most honourable and only female pirate captain on the seas! There was a brief, hopeless battle, and before long, the cargo was being plundered, the crew and passengers were taken prisoner and the ship itself commandeered."

William had been tackled by Flurry, and was squirming on the floor while Flurry loomed over him, foot firmly on his chest.

"Christopher's adventure was over before it even begun. Amelia would ransom him off, straight into Hansel's clutches, and Christopher would never see the light of day again."

William went limp with despair.

"Yet there was a miracle."

The two actors turned to her, tiny mouths agape.

"When Christopher and Amelia locked eyes, there was love at first sight-"

Anna caught Elsa's eye, despite trying really hard not to.

"-there was romance in the air-"

That wouldn't cut it either. Beneath her, the two actors continued to stare up at her, but their faces were blank, like they couldn't understand what was going on.

"-there was an instant connection."

That one seemed to pass muster. Beneath her, the two actors shrugged, and leaned together, closing their eyes. It was a hug, just without arms.

"Christopher was released from his chains-"

William was allowed to get up.

"-explained his quest to the captain-"

William jabbered silently to Flurry, gesturing with his foot back to his point of origin.

"-and in response, Amelia, who let him call her Amelia, made him a member of her merry crew, and promised him fame and fortune and the services of her crew, if he would in turn serve her."

Flurry jabbered back, and then they leaned together again. When they were done, she gestured expansively at the surroundings, in 'welcome to the crew' kind of way.

"And so, Christopher the knight of Arenvell, became Christopher the Knight Pirate, the Chivalrous Corsair, the Mannered Marauder, the loyal companion of Captain Amelia, whom he always called Captain Amelia as a sign of respect."

Side-by-side, Flurry and William walked in lockstep.

"It helped that he got his hard-boiled egg as a sign-up bonus, because he was pretty hungry by that point, not that I'M pretty hungry or anything-"

 ** _RUMBLE_**

Once again there was silence; once again her face was consumed by scarlet.

Elsa got up.

"I think Anna needs a short break before she can continue the story any further."

The circle broke up into a flurry of discussion, as snowgies, Olaf and Marshmallow moved every which way in a rush of excitement, discussing what they had heard and speculating wildly about events to come. In fact, a circle of snowgies had formed around Flurry and William, jumping up and down around them, simultaneously applauding their performance and begging for secrets. The two actors smiled and revealed nothing, mostly because they knew nothing about the plot twists ahead.

Kristoff meanwhile, was reassuring Anna that he thought no less of her for her active metabolism, and no, no, no one else did either, did you see your audience, they loved the story! Okay, it was going badly at first, and yes, I should have had more faith in you, and with hindsight, facepalming was a terrible thing to do, yes I am a stinker…

At this point, Anna interrupted him by shoving her face into his. Their kiss lasted until Elsa gently dragged Anna away; if another stomach rumble had instead interrupted their little moment, Anna might have died of embarrassment there and then. Elsa couldn't allow that. Besides, she was a bit hungry herself.

Kristoff smiled encouragingly when Anna looked back apologetically, mouthed "Bring me something too", and turned to appreciating the ice. Dear God, that _ice_ …

When they had reached the outside, and patted Sven on the head, Elsa leaned over to Anna.

"You can have whatever you want from the palace kitchens – I won't stop you, you've earned it."

"But – wow thanks Elsa! – but you've forgotten that the palace is down there, and we're up here…"

Elsa smiled.

"Anna, I'm the Queen of Snow and Ice. For me, going down a snow-capped mountain is even easier than going up. Now, watch and learn."

Elsa flicked her hands, and a snow wave formed in front of them, awaiting its queen.

Anna followed her onto the wave, though she was still a little doubtful. Elsa saw her face and said, "Just remember, hold on tight. Oh and yes, have fun: it will be a wild ride."

"Wild ri-?!"

The avalanche began.

And yes, Anna held on tight (while screaming her head off) as Elsa rode down the mountainside, dancing on her avalanche, smiling and laughing as her soul _lived_.

 _(Author's note: when they got to the bottom, they rode a 'regular' snow wave, it's not like Elsa would crash an avalanche into Arendelle)_


	3. Sandwich Break

**_Interlude_**

 _A short while later_

The ice was glowing.

The ice was _glowing_.

It was ice. It was glowing.

How was that even possible?

Kristoff leaned over the ice chair. He poked it.

Nothing happened. To be precise, nothing happened in front of him. Behind him, it was chaos. A cheerful mass of snowgies were playing hockey (of a sort) with Marshmallow, using Olaf's body as the puck, while Olaf's head refereed. More snowgies were playing hopscotch with Olaf's legs. The circle of admirers, meanwhile, had given up on learning of plot spoilers, but they were now begging their heroes to re-enact their favourite scenes. Right now, William was on the floor, with Flurry's foot on his chest, squirming like his life depended upon it.

Kristoff took no notice of any of this. There was ice, and it was glowing. In his lifetime of experience, there had been only three things that glowed. The first was anything on fire (like his late sled), the second was anything made of fire (like the sun), and the last was anything that reflected light (like ice and snow gleaming in the daylight). The trouble was, this ice was glowing with its own inner light, and it wasn't on fire, nor made of fire.

Hmm…

His reverie was interrupted by the sound of wild whoops of laughter, mixed with someone else's singing.

 _"_ _I am one with the wind and skyyy-"_

He looked up just in time for the doors to burst open and shower his face with snow. In the ensuing silence, a single snowflake fell into his open mouth.

Just when he thought he had gone crazy, the second snow wave appeared, bearing the two sisters. Ah, that would explain it-

-but they were already bursting through the doors, barrelling right _at him-_

-he closed his eyes-

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

-and opened them to the smell of sandwiches.

Anna was behind him, waving a picnic basket at him. Inside, he could see sandwiches.

Seeing his face, Anna turned to her sister and huffed.

"Elsa, that was really cool and all, and I especially liked how you circle skated to a stop, but you scared him."

He couldn't hear her clearly for some reason. Then he realised why: he was screaming. Still screaming in fact. Man, he never realised he screamed in such a girlishly high pitched voice, it was actually kind of funny.

At this point his lungs gave out.

Elsa, perhaps realising the magnitude of her mistake, went up to him and… didn't quite hug him, just patted him on the shoulder. She was clearly in unfamiliar territory, as lost as Kristoff's face was blue. It was hard to believe this was the same girl who had nearly run him over to a song and dance routine - but not as hard as getting enough air into his lungs. Anna saw their difficulty and immediately pulled them both into a hug, albeit gently; Kristoff needed room to breathe.

When he had recovered his breath, he picked out a sandwich. It was pickled herring with onion. He chewed on it, and watched.

In front of him, the hockey game was evenly matched, three to three. The next goal would end the game. Marshmallow was rampaging through the snowgie lines, but he was surrounded, and hard pressed to make any real gains against their numbers and agility. It could go either way, really.

Kristoff chewed some more on his sandwich, swallowed, and drank some of the ice water Elsa had materialised. Anna was sitting next to him, munching on her own sandwich (hard-boiled eggs) and also observing the game. On her other side, Elsa was intensely monitoring her children, making sure no-one was hurt. She needn't had worried, but nonetheless her sandwich was nearly uneaten; a shame, for it was cured salmon.

Feeling the need to show how he didn't _always_ sound like a little girl, Kristoff broke the silence.

"So, about these sandwiches…"

Anna turned to face him.

"Oh yeah, I don't like the traditional Smørrebrød-"

Elsa glanced over.

"Anna, princesses do not talk with their mouths full."

Anna swallowed, and continued.

"-because I prefer the portability of modern sandwiches. And that's why I brought sandwiches, not Smørrebrød."

"Anna, that's great and all, but I was about to ask about why we have so many sandwiches, not why sandwiches."

He indicated the basket. Even from here he could see at least a dozen more sandwiches. Anna twirled a lock of hair around her finger.

"Well… Elsa and I couldn't figure out which kind of sandwich to make, so I suggested we just make every kind of sandwich we could think of, and Elsa was all for it, but it turns out I could think of _a lot_ of sandwiches, because I like sandwiches, like I said, so…"

The silence was broken by the sound of cheering: the snowgies had won the game. Assorted snowgies were bonking each other on the head, being hugged by Marshmallow , reassembling Olaf, or dancing.

Elsa got up, sandwich mostly untouched.

"The break is over. You ready, Anna?"

Anna leapt up, sandwich already finished.

"Christopher the Knight Pirate is _always_ ready!"

Kristoff the Ice Harvester facepalmed. Next time, he would make sure to help her come up with the names.


	4. Esbern and Fin

**Chapter 3**

 _A while later_

"…And with a mighty punch to his evil, stupid face, Hansel plunged into the waters below. Christopher had defeated Hansel, and triumphed over evil once and for all."

Cheers erupted from the audience. Both Elsa and Kristoff smiled at her. Emboldened, Anna pressed on.

"The good king was returned to the throne,-"

So far, so good.

"-Christopher returned to his house, which he really missed,-"

Forwards!

"-alongside Captain Amelia-"

Elsa discreetly coughed.

"-after returning from the church, where they were married-"

Elsa cleared her throat.

"-after many months of conversation, courtship, and thorough soul-searching."

That seemed to fly.

"And there, Christopher, with his wife, newly-returned brother and hard-boiled eggs, lived happily ever after. The end."

There was a storm of applause. Elsa wrapped her in a hug – the first time she had initiated a hug all on her own, Anna was so proud of her! – and Anna pulled Kristoff in, because he was family.

With the end of the story, her audience collapsed back into anarchy, mixing here and there to reminiscence about their favourite scenes. Overhearing them, Kristoff whispered, "My favourite scene was the ninja battle."

Elsa joined in: "My favourite was when the brother brought down the wrath of the mountains on the Legions of Doom."

They turned to the snowchildren. Olaf was making all sorts of _fwoosh_ sounds effects; evidently the flame-thrower showdown was his favourite scene.

The snowgies around him indicated, by their nods and feet gestures, that their favourite scene was the Captain's duel.

Marshmallow was smiling at the snowgies by his feet, and explaining why his favourite was the Happy Ever After. His explanation involved his tiara, his left leg, Elsa and never losing hope, never giving up on that happy ending.

Elsa turned back to her sister with a smile.

"What's your favourite scene, Madame Storyteller?"

Anna smiled back.

"Every single one with Captain Amelia, she's _badass_. I should have made the entire story about her!"

Kristoff looked offended for a moment (was Christopher not good enough?), but he had to admit, Amelia _was_ badass; in the Captain's duel she was amazing; with the flamethrower she had kicked serious ass; against the ninjas she had been awesomeness incarnate. She definitely deserved her own story, at the very least.

At that moment, the two sisters suddenly locked eyes, and _slowly_ turned to him, in perfect sync, with an identical evil grin.

"Kristoff…"

"…speaking of stories…"

"…would you like to tell the next one?"

Kristoff looked from face to leering face. There was no escape. He backed away, shaking his head no, no, no…

…but resistance was futile. Between Anna's puppy dog eyes and the ominous snapping of Elsa's fingers, conjuring a little Kristoff doll frozen in a block of ice with each _snap, snap, snap_ , he quickly broke, slumping forward.

"I'll do it-"

Anna grabbed him by the shoulders.

"YAAYYY! Everybody, Kristoff will be our next storyteller!"

All the snowchildren hurriedly reassembled into the Circle of Listening. Anna whisked him into the storyteller's chair, and shoved him down. He landed with an _oomph_ , as Anna stood by him, blocking his escape.

There was a silence, broken only by Kristoff wheezing for breath once again. Anna probably didn't mean to, but the impact had knocked the breath out of his lungs.

Eventually, Marshmallow raised his hand.

"Story?"

Indeed, his wheezing was making for a rather poor story, though his mind was drawing a blank on what to do: Sven had always been the brains of the duo. How in the _hell_ did Anna do this, making everything seem so laughably easy? He could see Anna grinning beside him. He had been sure she was going to get back at him for those facepalms, but he never suspected his comeuppance would come so soon.

Elsa gave him one of her meaningful little coughs, all but saying that if he didn't start entertaining her sister and her children _right now_ , he would regret crossing the Snow Queen – albeit with his dying breath.

Kristoff swallowed.

There was the sound of a light _crackle_ , and he could feel ice creeping down his neck-

He jumped up, and Elsa smiled.

"Right everybody, have you heard the tale of Esbern and Fin?"

Kristoff grinned manically at the slowly shaking heads.

"Well, far off, in the three-times-ninth kingdom, there was a young man named Esbern. Esbern Snare."

Kristoff demonstrated by striding around, full of youthful vigour. Anna was tempted to wolf-whistle at this _mysterious_ new man who had suddenly replaced Kristoff, but Elsa was sitting right beside her.

"One day, Esbern met this most beautiful girl, Helva, and fell in love-"

Elsa gave him A Look.

"-after spending many months getting to know her well, her likes and dislikes, her personality and her temperament and her plans for life."

Kristoff mimed talking to Anna, who blushed and jabbered silently back.

"When he finally realizes his feelings for her, the real her, he approached her father to ask permission for the wedding."

Kristoff walked up slowly, head bowed, to his vacated chair.

"But her father was the Lord of Nesvek, and just any random boy would never do for his girl. So he said no."

Kristoff looked up, face crushed.

"The old man added, 'Not until you build a church, young man.' "

Kristoff jumped up and mimed sawing at wood and swinging a hammer.

"Then the old man smiled. 'There you shall wed my daughter fair, Esbern Snare.' "

Kristoff dropped back to his 'supplicant' position, and his face twisted in surprise.

"Then the Lord of Nesvek shooed him out, saying 'Go on, go on, don't keep an old man waiting for his daughter's wedding, I'm not getting any younger.' "

Kristoff walked through an invisible doorway, looking back at the chair on the other side.

"Esbern departed with a heavy heart. Building a church is a great responsibility, especially if you don't want it to collapse on the priest. Nevertheless, he immediately set out, looking for a suitable spot to build a church."

Kristoff strode around the room yet again, but this time he occasionally stopped and surveyed his surroundings, a hand shielding his eyes from an imaginary glare.

"Along the way, though, he got lost. Trapped in the forest as the light was fading, his hope of survival was fading even faster."

Kristoff was now wandering about randomly, with a bewildered expression on his face.

"He needn't had worried, though. He didn't know it, but he had a friend – a soon-to-be friend, anyway – in the forest, who rescued him."

Kristoff mimed being led gently by the hand.

"His rescuer was a troll. A troll named Fin. In the events to come, they would be forged into the closest of friends…"

 _A while later_

"…And that was how Fin disguised himself, snuck into the church and served as the Best Man at the wedding. Thus ends the exploits of Esbern and Fin."

Cheering and clapping erupted all around. Emboldened, Kristoff decided to go for broke, spinning around and kissing Anna on the mouth.

There was a moment of silence, and then Elsa gestured dramatically.

"Esbern and Helva, everyone!"

There was a collective _dawwww_ as a big, snow white wedding dress and sharp blue suit materialised on the two lovebirds _._

Elsa grinned. They were so _adorable_ like this, and now she held the ultimate trump card in the sibling teasing war. Life was good.

Simultaneously, the couple-to-be opened their eyes, realised that they were kissing each other in front of, you know, _everyone_ , and spun around, matching blushes on their faces. At this point they noticed their stylish new wardrobe, and looked at Elsa – more specifically, looked at the enormous grin on her face.

Anna sighed. Elsa was _never_ going to live this down, she had basically perfect memory and everything.

Kristoff sighed. Moments before he'd been on fire (metaphorically speaking); now he was… exactly the same as before, but now he couldn't enjoy it because of how embarrassed he was.

Elsa grinned even wider, and the wedding clothes vanished with a _crackle_ that sounded distinctly like laughter.

Their mutual suffering/embarrassment was interrupted by the sound of chanting.

"Story! Story! Story!"

The snowchildren wanted more. Kristoff groaned – now he was being cursed with luck. First the love of a princess, then good storytelling, what next?

Nevertheless, he got back up. Should he recount another story from Bulda? When he was sick or restless or bored, she would always stay up with her son, and under the night sky tell him of the far lands where there were still Álfar and Jötnar and Dvergar…

Maybe a story about Bulda herself…

"Well… Everyone, I have a very special story to tell you. It's not like Anna's special story, though; this one special because it is about someone very special: Bulda, my mother."

The two sisters whirled to him in surprise, while the snowchildren nodded sagely: they too loved their mother.

"In her younger days, she was wilful and sprightly, living a life of adventure almost unimaginable today."

At the very least, HE couldn't imagine his mother as being irresponsible and carefree. She fussed over her son so much, it was both heart-warming and madness-inducing.

"She had so many crazy adventures, in fact, that it's hard to know where to start. But one of my favourite was about these three billy goats…"

Kristoff stopped. His mother had made it very clear: they **_never_** spoke of The Billy Goat Incident, at least not to outsiders.

There was a very familiar awkward silence. Anna was keeping quiet: sometimes people need space to not talk, and she was learning to respect that.

After a while, he coughed, and went, "Anyway, my mother went on all these crazy adventures, like the time she snuck into this town called Áslo…

 _A while later_

"… and that was how my mother accidentally burned down the whole town she was trying to visit."

The two sisters were staring at him really weirdly, like he had said something really important. Had he? It wasn't like that random fire was historically significant or anything… it couldn't be worse than The Billy Goat Incident, at least.

Elsa blinked.

"Kristoff?"

Now the two sisters were looking at him really weirdly.

"Yes...?"

"Oslo was the capital of Arendelle. Was."

"Oh."

The snowchildren, at least, were in high spirits at his humorous tale. Olaf in particular had enjoyed it, bouncing up and down at the thought of fire consuming everything.

Elsa shrugged. With a _clap_ , the vacant ice chair dematerialised back into nothingness. Beyond the crystal walls, daylight was giving way to the languid march of dusk.

"I'm sorry everyone, Mama and Auntie and Kristoff have to go home now. Storytime is over for today."

There were gasps from the snowchildren. You could see the disappointment on the two sisters' faces, having to leave them so soon. Kristoff was sympathetic. He had to admit, it hadn't been too bad… in fact, it had been pretty fun.

Elsa managed enough composure to smile one last time.

"But we will be back. Until then…"

She approached Marshmallow, and hugged him. He hugged back like only a worried son can, almost completely enveloping her behind the barriers of his arms. She moved along the circle, to a clump of snowgies and hugged them too. Behind her, Anna was hugging Marshmallow tightly. Kristoff realised that he was next, that he would have to hug them all too. Somehow the idea didn't worry him, like it would have this morning.

When they were all finished, Elsa wordlessly indicated the pile of three storybooks, conveying in a single gesture that it was theirs to keep. She then quickly spun around, before they could see their Mama's tears. Only then she noticed someone was missing.

"Olaf?"

She turned back and saw Olaf amongst his brothers.

"I'm staying behind, for a project… A SECRET project, which I can't tell you about, but you'll love it, I promise."

Kristoff and Anna stared. They had never seen Olaf sad before.

"But until then…" Olaf ran forward, detached one of his coal buttons and presented it to his Mama. Elsa accepted it as severely as she had accepted her crown.

"Until we meet again, Mama."

"Until we meet again, Olaf."

Elsa exited the Ice Palace with her head held high and her heels echoing against the empty sky.

* * *

 _On the way back down, at a slow, more measured pace, Anna smiled at her sister, trying to cheer her up._

 _"_ _At least those old storybooks found a better home, where they'll always be loved."_

 _Elsa nodded. You couldn't turn back time, you couldn't reclaim your childhood, but you could brighten the lives of your own children. That was what really mattered._

 _They lapsed into silence against the howling of the wind._


	5. The Big Thumb People

**Chapter 4**

 _A few weeks later_

The Queen of Arendelle rose from beneath the covers. Pushing the ice fabric aside, she padded over to the door and swung it open. As she exited, Elsa nodded to the suit of armour that had stood guard over Anna many an evening.

Through the empty halls, there was a faint _crackle_ as her nightdress transformed back into the Ice Dress, cape and all; along the carpet, her feet treaded a familiar path.

Her hair was quicker and quieter: the forces smoothing and braiding it were briefly visible as flecks of light and colour, but that was all. Amidst the murk, her memory directed her up a certain staircase.

As she rounded the final corner, the finishing touches were complete: heels, make up, the works. The only thing that had gone untouched was her necklace of coal and ice.

The doors to the balcony slid open with a _click_. From there Elsa was afforded an unobstructed view of both the North Mountain and the eastern horizon. On a clear day, you could even make out a glinting, glittering shape on the peak of the North Mountain. Today was one such day.

Elsa waited.

Soon enough, the first rays of the sun shone on Arendelle, on stately stone and gleaming ice and deserted cobbles.

Eventually, the still and silent town rose from its slumbers, and settled back into its daily routine. Out and about, the early birds sought a quiet walk or filling breakfast or word of the latest news, spreading throughout the streets. Arendelle was awake.

And that was how the Snow Queen greeted the break of dawn.

The tranquil moment was punctuated by a particularly massive snore that rattled the windows beside her.

Awake except for Anna, she quickly amended, and Elsa couldn't help but smile.

* * *

 _Some hours later_

Anna was _bored_.

Not regular bored, this was _bored_.

She knew she should be more mature about this, but this was _boring_.

Elsa was busy administering the country, because as an absolute monarch she had to do absolutely everything, at least if she wanted to be responsible, which she totally was.

And Anna had wanted to help her, because she was so busy she couldn't spare even a moment to visit her snowchildren again, and that was sad and wrong for so many reasons.

So Anna had promised to do whatever she could, mature and responsibly, for her sister. And Elsa had asked her to be the public face of the monarchy, and she had immediately accepted, because she loved meeting people. Especially if it meant meeting other ambassadors and eating lots of fancy chocolate.

Her first assignment had seemed simple: go out in public, and join a panel of judges for a children's book competition. Arendelle's libraries were planning to purchase new books, including new storybooks, for some education initiative. Anna had actually been slightly dumbfounded by the assignment, because Elsa valued education _a lot_ , and children were the future, so this was a doubly important assignment. Which meant Elsa trusted her sister _a lot_. Even better, this was obviously going to be really simple and easy, which would be good for easing her into the world of royal duties, so it was a great first assignment.

The first book she had to review was "The History of Sandford and Merton".

The next was "Lessons for Children".

It only got worse from there.

Now she was visibly struggling not to fall asleep. The other judges were politely ignoring her half closed eyes, half formed yawns and half asleep everything, but she couldn't keep this up. At this rate, she might start _snoring_ , which would be really, really bad.

Trouble was, if Elsa found out that she had crashed and burned on her first assignment because she didn't like books (well, _these_ books), Elsa would kill her, slowly and painfully.

So she was now engaged in an epic battle to finish reading "Shockheaded Peter". The current page was about how the naughty girl was burning to death because she had played with matches. Anna wondered why her moral comeuppance had to be so violent; her mom and dad had never mentioned such gratuitous violence in _their_ stories. But Elsa's stories were always better, because they always included her suggestions for more knights and dragons and energetic little princesses...

Her happy reminiscence of earlier times was interrupted by someone blabbering something at her. She blinked the sleepiness out of her eyes and turned towards him.

"Could you repeat that?"

"Err… Your Royal Highness, what do you think?"

Anna blinked again, slowly, at the quivering judge. He was some sort of senior librarian, one of the new class of bureaucrats Elsa was creating. Now that she thought about it, he was probably terrified of pissing her off and getting fired: his position and prosperity stemmed entirely from the Crown, unlike the landed nobility. Well, that was why she was here: to show everyone how awesome the Royal Family really was. Anna smiled at him, trying to set him at ease.

"Add it to the pile, I can only cast my vote when I've reviewed all the options."

The man nodded, and his trembling fingers stacked the book on the pile at the end of the table. He then quickly pulled up the last book from the other end of the table.

…Come to think of it, he might not have any official rights, since he wasn't a member of the nobility. They should probably fix that, her and Elsa, together.

…While she was on the subject of law, did Arendelle still practice stavnsbånd? If it did, they should probably abolish it, it seemed really stupid. She hadn't paid much attention to her tutors when she was younger though, so she had no idea what the experts thought. On the other hand, her sister was the best expert around, so she could just ask her.

"Err… Your Royal Highness?"

It was the librarian again. Anna couldn't remember his name, the boredom had blasted it away. It was a funny one though, Worble-something. She smiled at him once again.

"Yes?"

"Well, it's just that this is the last book, but it's a late entrant from an anonymous author, and handwritten instead of printed, as the rules clearly state. That means we can't accept it, unless we rule otherwise of course."

Anna shrugged.

"Let me take a look at it."

She accepted it from him. His hands were steady, but his face was not, so she murmured a quick "thank you" and turned to the book. Maybe he'd calm down if she wasn't looking at him.

The book itself was titled "The Big Thumb People". On the cover was an image of a big thumb.

Inside it, the first page went like this:

 _"_ _Barry had big thumbs. His right and left thumb were big. Barry's thumbs were bigger than his other fingers. He liked his thumbs."_

The words were composed of a cheerful scrawl. The opposing page showed a boy. He had big thumbs. Anna turned to the next page.

 _"_ _Barry's big thumbs made him feel big and powerful. When he looked at other people, they had small thumbs. This made Barry feel even bigger. His thumbs were bigger than the small thumb people!"_

The opposing page showed several thumbs. One thumb was by far the biggest. Anna turned to the next page.

 _"_ _Barry would often make fun of the small thumb people. He said mean things like 'Mouse thumb!' and 'No thumb!'. Barry made others feel sad."_

The image showed several other boys and girls cowering in the shadow of the big thumb. Anna turned to the next page.

 _"_ _Barry did this because he lived in the kingdom of the Big Thumb People. The Big Thumb people judged everyone by the size of their thumbs – the bigger the better."_

The image showed two boys. On top, one wore a crown while gripping a sceptre. He had big thumbs. The boy below him was thin, ragged and had his hands out. He had small thumbs. Anna kept reading.

 _A few minutes later_

"Err… Your Royal Highness?"

Anna glanced up from her reading. On the page below, the Big Thumb People were seeing the error of their ways. The image showed two boys decorating two cakes. The small-thumbed boy was smiling in front of a scrumptious looking cake. He looked familiar. Big-thumbed Barry, however, was sweating: his cake looked silly. He obviously lacked the knack for decorating cakes.

Anna readjusted her mind from 'cakes, silly and scrumptious' to 'serious judging business'.

"Yes?"

"Well… What do you think?"

Anna glanced back at the book.

"I like it. But before I can cast my vote, I need to finish it."

"You didn't finish any other book…"

The librarian seized up. Anna smiled at him as best as she could once more, wondering if it seemed forced. It probably was. He really should relax though.

"The others were boring."

"Oh."

With that, Anna returned to the book.

 _A few minutes later_

The book closed with a gentle _snap_. All eyes were upon her.

"It's got my vote."

The librarian gestured at the book.

"So… will you vote to allow it to be considered?"

"Definitely."

There was a quick show of hands, tallied by the most senior librarian, Irma something. The vote passed by a solid majority. Irma nodded, and thumped her gavel.

"Motion passed: "The Big Thumb People" is a valid entrant. Now, before we cast our final votes, are there any last comments?"

Anna jumped up.

"The Big Thump People is a great book. It teaches our children to love and accept people for who they really are, without prejudice, without jumping to conclusions, without… without unfairness and meanness. It definitely deserves to win."

Worble-something the librarian raised his hand.

"I was originally planning to speak for "The Big Thumb People", but circumstances dictate otherwise. Nonetheless, I urge everyone to consider "Shockheaded Peter" for second place. It teaches our children to consider the consequences of their actions, in a most memorable manner; I would also like to remind everyone that we need at least three new storybooks, not just one."

Huh. Worble-something was a lot more confident around his friends, well co-workers anyway. At that moment, Miss something-Phelps tenuously raised her hand.

"In a similar vein, I urge everyone to consider "The History of Little Goody Two-Shoes". Amidst the ever-accelerating modern world, our children need moral guidance to avoid straying off the path of virtue. They may be little angels today, but as any parent can tell you, they can turn into vile demons tomorrow. When voting, I implore you to keep this in mind."

Irma's gavel landed with a _bang_.

"Any more comments?"

There was a shaking of heads.

"Then the voting commences. Please write down your choice on the slips in front of you, fold your slip in half and submit it into the box."

Anna filled in her slip with "The Big Thumb People", submitted it and waited.

Everyone was staring awkwardly at each other, with nothing to do now. Anna raised her hand.

"Yes, Your Royal Highness?"

"Can I have The Big Thumb People book back? I want to look at the pictures, they're beautifully done."

There was some brief whispering, and then Irma handed back the book.

Anna's appreciation was interrupted by a polite _cough_. It was Worble-something the librarian.

"May I also…"

He indicated the drawings on the page.

"Sure!"

Sharing was caring, after all. He sat beside her, clearly nervous; Anna wished he would just relax, she wasn't going to bite him.

She was interrupted again by a _bang_. It was Irma.

""The Big Thumb People" wins first place."

Duh, Anna could see that. Its stack of votes was _way_ higher than the others.

""The History of Little Goody Two-Shoes" and "Shockheaded Peter" are tied for second place."

With only like two votes each, Anna thought but didn't say.

"These three books will be the newest additions to the children's section of our libraries. We are now ready to move on to the next phase: procurement contracts and royalty agreements."

Well, Anna was no help there. Time to call in her big sis with word of what went down.

"I'm afraid we'll have some trouble negotiating with the anonymous author of "The Big Thumb People", though. We can't even contact him with word of his success, for a start-"

Irma had stopped to stare at something small, white and grinning.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?"

It was a snowgie. Anna groaned.

It scampered out the door. Moments later, it returned, sitting on Olaf's head.

"Hi everyone!"

Anna, and everyone else, stared.

"Olaf?"

"The Queen's snowman!?"

Olaf nodded.

"Boy, am I happy to win-"

"You're the mystery author!?"

Olaf shook his head at Anna's expression.

"Nah, I was the illustrator,-"

"Then who's the author?"

"-Marshmallow did all the authoring, and the snowgies handled all the pencil gripping. They have this really ingenious system-"

"But you can't read!"

"So I drew! And Marshmallow did the story, because he loved listening to stories so much he wanted to make his own, and the snowgies wrote down everything. And I drew with them! Man, it was hard finding pencils and paper, that was why it took so long-"

Everyone was gaping at him, but he wasn't deterred.

"-so we were late. Sorry about that everyone, it also took a while for the snowgies to figure out how to best grip the pencil with their mouths-"

"They can read? And write?"

Both Olaf and the snowgie on his head nodded at Anna's question.

"Yep! And I drew with them, did anyone like my work?"

Anna glanced back at the illustrations. They were pretty good... maybe he got that from Elsa. Still, Anna's mind presented one last objection to the insane impossibility of the current situation.

"But why? Why the story, why the secrecy?"

"Because we love stories, that's why! We were really inspired by you, your tale of Christopher the Knight Pirate-"

Every eye in the room swivelled towards her. _Knight Pirate?_ Anna's face grew red.

"-and we wanted to make our Mama and Auntie proud, they deserve it. So we made a surprise story! And oh wait I forgot, Surprise! We're the authors!"

Irma blinked, and approached the snowman.

"We need to discuss the terms of your royalty agreement, Mr. Olaf-"

Olaf and the snowgie stared at her.

"What's a royalty agreement?"

Behind her, Anna was bent double with laughter. Reality was sinking in. When she told Elsa about this, man oh man, she couldn't wait...

 _Fin_

 _(Author's note: by my count, there are fifteen references to real world history and other works of fiction within this story. Did you spot them all?)_

 _(Postscript: all credit for the cover image goes to my own sister, a burgeoning artist.)_


End file.
